Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The world is not my home

By
Niranjan Rao

Whoever said 'All men are not born equal' deserves the Nobel 'Saying of the Century' award. I am basically a very modest person with nothing to be modest about. Considering my talents and the appreciation I get from the four corners of my colony my head should never be facing the earth. Brilliant, talented, wise, humorous, handsome are just not remote adjectives but rather pertain to one Supreme Being, me. And it just so happens all the people around me are mental midgets and would probably be charged half-price when it comes to mind reading.

Don't you think it is very irritating if you suddenly find that your brain waves are rather on an elevated level when compared to the rest? Let me quote a few examples to prove my point. I was rather feeling alone with my friend next to me when I suddenly exclaimed, "Look up, Its Superman" and my friend immediately followed my gaze and asked me "Where macha, I cant see him?" It was the oldest trick in the book and he fell for it. It was time to look at him. "You idiot, Superman doesn't exist," I said. He was quick to reply "But I thought he lived in America". I had nothing whatsoever to say. My only cry was "Jesus, save me and why me?" Who knows, these people probably believed in Pink Panther and Millie the Mermaid too. But I was kind enough not to ask him. The arrogant thing about these people was that they had delusions of brain adequacy. They never let ideas interrupt the easy flow of their conversation. My other friend was born stupid and he greatly increased his birthright. Believe me or not, he was twenty when he asked me this "Macha, I am dead, I have kissed a girl and I am afraid she will get pregnant". Everytime I look at him, I sometimes can’t believe that out of the 1,00,000 sperms that he was the quickest. These people were the perfection of stupidity and whenever you see them there is a fierce desire to be lonesome. God save me once again. And there's this amazing friend I know who can't open her mouth without depreciating the sum total of the human knowledge in that room. The only time there is something on her mind, is when she is probably wearing her hat.

There are a lot of people I know who are just as happy as if they had brains. But this fellow I know kind of tops the list. He is so shabby and scruffy possibly trying to imitate Albert Einstein that everyone sniggers at him whenever he passes by. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but that did not fool me. He really was an idiot. He always wanted to be a scientist, but believe me, he is the kind of guy who would use a blueprint to build an idiot. Scientist, ha, that's a laugh. The only flair he had was in his nostrils and think about a first class bozo becoming a scientist. Devil to my rescue, once again please. And yeah, I can never forget the first time I met this girl- although I keep trying. She seemed like she was eternally possessed by a retarded ghost. Actually you need to have a license to be as lethargic as her. Tell her to blurt out everything she knows and not surprisingly it would only take five seconds. If I were she, I would sue my brains for non-support and non-cooperation. And she expects me to acknowledge her presence whenever she is around me. Obviously, she has mistaken me for someone who gives a damn to all that she says. I have insulted her time and again saying if what she doesn't know cannot hurt her she is invulnerable. It took her a week and a half to partially understand what I had meant by that.

Every human being has the right to be stupid at some point of time in their lives but all the people I know misuse their privileges. Eternally unsound. And whatever makes these people this stupid really works. Hats off to its effect on people. Trust me, the Mafia would turn into Mahatma's if it ever tried teaching their tricks of the trade to any one of my friends. At the end of all this, if I ever find myself this stupid as them I would file a suit against my parents for having delivered me. The only problem being such an idea would never strike them. After all they are stupid.
Now I make a sincere appeal to everyone to understand my plight. I can never exist in an environment like this. Everyone's stupid with no exceptions. This world is definitely not my home.


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