Wednesday, September 22, 2004

My Magnum Opiss

By Rajiv Subramanian

Anything that is Natural cannot Be Vulgar. He who said that obviously has been exposed to the great tradition of Urination In Our Nation. We seem to have eroded the difference between Being One with Nature and Doing One in Nature. Our Affection toward Defecation in Public has finally matured into a National Passion.

There is such Art, such Exquisiteness to this Divine exercise, this great Metaphor for the Ultimate Unison of man with nature, where you make a humble little offering of your own creation back to The Creator. The entire event is in itself so breathtaking. You realize suddenly that for this instant in time you are the chosen ONE. You feel your Calling and are obliged to answer immediately, for when Mother Nature Beckons, you do not keep her waiting. So you scan the landscape for adequate cover…Lo and Behold! A Recess almost made for you springs to your attention and almost cries out to be accepted as a Resting Place worthy enough for your contribution. And as you approach the alcove, your belief in the Lord is reinforced for providing you with so Idyllic a location for your Holy Communion.

When you reveal the instrument of your deliverance you must glance around and seek for evil messengers of the Devil himself who wish to cast their evil glance on your moment of Glory. As the gentle breeze blows over your Tool of Benediction, you realize you are truly Blessed. But Before this realization is understood by your mortal self, you convulse and you feel The Offering surge forward. The Ubiquitous powers around you power you on as the trickle grows in to a tremendous surge and then if you are Truly Consecrated, the flow turns into a Mighty Thunderous Cascade. The Holy Waters gush onward and outward, blooming into millions of miniscule Droplets which Hang in Nothingness for that tantalizing instant before they crash to the Ground. Their paths henceforth as unpredictable as the earthly lives we lead.

As the Earth, Wind and Water come together for a celestial Amalgam, As the Soil turns from a deep Red to a marvelous Burgundy, Enlightenment dawns and You realize that You have truly attained Salvation. As suddenly as it had come, the instant disappears, the Damp earth and your semi-exposed self, the only material reminders of what had been just moments before. From now on your actions are largely governed by your subconscious as your mind is far too preoccupied with the events of the recent past to pay attention to the closing rites. Your self is overwhelmed by a sense of Relief and Achievement. As you conclude your tryst with nature and continue on your course, it hits you that the Magnificence of the occasion lies in its maddeningly transient and dynamic form. Never has a more Fragile Art form Existed.

People may do it in dissimilar ways _ There are The Painters, The Sculptors, The Calligraphy Artists, The Rhythmic Entertainers, The Flighters, The Shooters, The Dribblers and Then unfortunately, there are The Exhibitionists. As in every other arena of our existence, Satan’s Disciples this time rear their ugly heads in the form of The Exhibitionists. Not for them the Dense Foliage or the Discreet Corner. They believe in using The Holy Act as an instrument of Terror and Public Disgrace. It is up to You the unsuspecting victim to run for cover or to face the consequences of viewing the Revolting Demonstration. This breed of miscreants single handedly give the remainder of the Artists a bad name.

But if your Mind is Clean, Heart is Pure and Bladder is Large, continue forth on your mission to piss on. Do it When You Want To and Where You Want to, But do it With Dignity, With Poise, With Decorum, With Grace and most importantly With Reverence.

You never know, if You do it Diligently Enough, Humanity might reward You with their greatest Honor _ The Nobel Pees Prize!


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